‘I was born a sociopath! Not that I don’t have any moral responsibility or I was a criminal, but I just can’t mingle with others. I rather keep to myself, lest I get pushed over and stamped upon for my helplessness. And I know I cannot fight back. I overheard some of the neighboring kids talking about how you change after joining college. That sounded like solace to me. Maybe, I could actually be normal finally and make friends. And then when college arrived my way, to my surprise, I was pushed around even more! You know how those hormonal changes in teens make them do stupid things like throwing eggs, sneering, blaming you for their crimes and so on? Well, I was subject to all kinds of shit hilariously while I bore all of them silently.
Well, it had been that way since childhood. A nagging mother and an alcoholic father who competed every night at whose voice was louder and who could throw abuses faster at each other while I sat on my ass on the floor, with a crappy toy in my hand, staring at them, while the words hurled over my head, out of my reach. And then came the slaps, thuds and pushes. Such violence at a tender age of 5, makes you go numb. It makes you hate people. For they are not worth it. In fact, it is not worth even for me to be born a human being! I could have rather flown like a bird, swam like a fish or roared like a lion! But no, GOD had his own sadistic plans for me! ‘Be born a human, kid! You deserve nothing better!‘
Coming back to college, I was an outcast. I read alone, walked alone, sat alone, ate alone and cried alone. One’s miserable existence, without any charm whatsoever to attract other people, without any skill to strike a conversation, an attitude that told you it was better to shrink back into your shell rather than go face the world, would make you accustomed to it. Over the years, I was ok with the way people were treating me. It would be a surprise if anyone embraced me. How foolish of me to cry, when the mistake was all mine!
Just when I was happy to resign to my fate, was when you arrived! The moment you entered the classroom, I was blown away! You looked absolutely gorgeous in that red dress. I tapped on my phone’s calendar to see whether it was Valentine’s day, not that, it was of any relevance to me. It wasn’t. Your voice calling out to the professor was like the pied piper’s flute to me. As you walked gracefully to your seat, I was awestruck. As I moved my eyes around the classroom, I could see all the men in a similar state, staring at you. I usually didn’t give a rat’s ass about them, but that moment, I was angry! I felt possessive, I felt you were made for me. That was when I felt, that GOD had finally shown some mercy on me! You came along to save me! Didn’t you?
It’s been 3 months and there’s not one moment I haven’t spent thinking about you. Don’t pay attention to that Arthur, he is a cheat! Stop smiling at Kirk, he’s a womanizer! Enough hanging out with Jack, he is an asshole. Who am I to stop you from doing anything? I know you can differentiate between right and wrong, ethical and unethical, good and bad! But isn’t it my duty to let you know the true faces behind those masks? You might not like me initially, but I am a wonderful person! Don’t listen to all that bullshit you hear about me! Nothing is true! They are just jealous of me because I am different!
Yes, I am a SOCIOPATH! But I am deeply in love with you! If you think I am worth it, smile at me in the classroom tomorrow! If you think I am not, don’t even turn to look back at me. I only want LOVE. Sorry to say it but I wouldn’t want your friendship or empathy or sympathy or anything of the likes. It’s either this extreme or that! I am happier living with a NO also. But I wish it would be a YES! What sin did I commit? Was it wrong of me to be born in a broken family? Was it wrong of me to be bullied all my childhood? Was it wrong of me to face some of the worst circumstances in my life? I will change into a better man. All I need is LOVE. All I need is YOUR LOVE.
Yes, I am a SOCIOPATH! But I LOVE YOU!
The janitor finished reading the crumpled letter and restored it back into the dirty dustbin. He walked away grumbling “This college is full of cowards! Where there is love, there is no fear! And where there is fear, there is no love! If only the idiot had spent half of the time in writing that letter, in gathering his courage to deliver it to the girl! These kids!”