“No way! I am not going to travel in a Non-AC bus! Can’t you feel the heat for God‘s sake?” shrieked Asha.
“Come on, Asha. Please understand! I will definitely puke in a closed AC bus. It’s like someone’s choking me. Please.” pleaded Priya.
“Ok. Whatever! Sir, give us two tickets to Nagpur. NON-AC.”
The girls boarded the bus at 8 in the evening. The look of the interiors was enough for Asha to inaugurate the Puke competition. “Oh! I am going to hate this so much!” grumbled Asha.
“Keep quiet for my sake Asha. It’s only a 6 hr journey”
The bus started and sailed peacefully. The passengers were given splendid company by foul smells from passing-by factories and hard-biting mosquitoes. The mosquitoes were so many in there that the girls felt they might have been caught before hand by the beloved driver and his conductor companion and thrown into the bus just for sadistic gags. Nevertheless, a free blood donation camp was being conducted on wheels.
“Grrrrrr… Priya! Let me kill you before the mosquitoes do.”
“I prefer to give the mosquito batch, the honors.” laughed Priya.
Asha boxed Priya in her left ear and got one back instantly in her right. The girls started pouncing on each other assuming the little cramped space to be some wrestling ring shaking the seats of their nutty foundations. The passengers in the front were being kicked out of their guts and seats, yelping like little puppies.
“Enough you two!” cried the conductor running to the rear of the bus. “Are you planning to wreak havoc on my bus? No way!” The conductor felt that the bus was his own and he played the role of a high-court judge to maintain decorum on it. “Screw you” whispered the girls in unison showing the required finger.
Anyways, the rough ride lulled everybody to Para-sleep as the bus rolled along with dedication.
Not a few minutes had passed, a howling cry made everyone bang their heads against the ceiling of the bus. “What the fuck was that?” “Did someone see a ghost?” “Somebody must have been murdered!” “No! it’s bandits!”. “Shut up. There are no bandits in this part. Or are they?”
A middle aged man was bouncing up and down, holding his chest, creating convoluted expressions with his facial muscles. “What’s the problem sir?” asked his co-passenger. “Hear…tckk…Heart…ttcckk….” “Is he rapping or what?” “Shut up fools, he says he is suffering a heart stroke”. “Driver! Stop the bus!” shouted a few.
The driver without thinking ran behind leaving the bus on auto-driver. “What happened my passengers?” “Fuck! You idiot! Get back to the wheel! You brainless shit!” shouted everybody including the conductor in terror. Realizing his folly, he got back to his rightful position and enquired what the matter was. He was instructed to immediately take a detour to the nearest hospital and save a life. “No way! I have to reach Nagpur on schedule. You like to watch me get kicked in the ass by my bosses? Let’s drop him off with a few passengers and ask them to find a hospital” cooed the driver. “Shut the fuck up and do as we say” retorted a passenger with a knife in his hand. “What the fuck!!!! He has a knife! Excuse me sir, are you a murderer?”
“Yeah, I kill fruits”, replied the fruity murderer.
The driver took a detour to the nearest town. Asha and Priya were staring at the ill-man. “You think the bugger is really sick? He seems to be putting up a brilliant act.” “Stop it you pessimist, of course he is ill. Can’t you make it out? And why should he act in the first place” The poor man was fighting for his life. At least, he seemed to be. The man is admitted into the hospital while other passengers gossiped, looked at their watches, took some refreshments in the hospital’s canteen and the girls pounced at each other for a while rolling in the mud at a distance.
The bus moved on. Meanwhile in the hospital, the previously sick man being carried on a gurney, jumps off it and makes a dash through the back door of the hospital much to the astonishment of the hospital staff.
Back on the bus, “Hey, where is my necklace?””Crap, my bracelet is gone!””Shit man! I just bought a new pair of underwear and now they are gone! Wait, they are here only! Yippee!” The guy had made his neat escape with all the valuables. He had slowly stuffed all his wins in his bag in the dark. His co-passenger was the worst affected. He himself had left the man’s bag beside him in the hospital. Wonderful trick they thought. It was no point going back to the hospital and searching for him. Dismayed and heartbroken, the passengers who had been looted, locked up their tongues considering it fate.
Just as everybody was on the verge of forgetting the former tension and trying to get some sleep, they hear a loud noise for a second time. This time, more machine like. The bus had come to a complete halt. “Now what? This journey is cursed I swear!” “I am going to kill myself. God save me!” “I wished I hadn’t seen my wife’s face when I got up today!”.Everybody cooked up their own reasons for the journey being so. The driver came running to the back and started laughing. The conductor joined him. “Hahahahahhaha! Hahahahahaha!”
“You bastards. Why the hell are you laughing? Give me an answer now!” shouted one big sized man with a moustache curled at its ends. “The bus has broken down!”
Asha and Priya stared in disbelief and shouted “ Whaaaattttttttttt? Let’s kill this driver!!!”
“Yeah, let’s kill the son of a gun!” joined the fruit murderer with the knife in his hand. “Why does he always have the knife in his hand? I don’t see any fruits around!”
A few men preferring it better to escape with beating than killing and going to prison trash the driver and the conductor out of their bloody skins. The girls for a change, start enjoying the fight immensely. The anger that they digested on the looting was vented out with full pressure on the poor bus boys. As the men withdrew, people could see a pair of mangled bodies lying on the bus floor completely unconscious.
“Hey, now wait. Who is going to repair the bus? The only two guys who knew it are unconscious now.”
“CRAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP” shouted everybody.
Cursing their fates, everybody got down dragging their suitcases along. A few passengers for recovering full cost on their ticket went to the front of the bus and smashed the windshield. They even started stamping the shattered pieces on the road like maniacs.
“Screw the others Priya, let’s walk ahead and find some vehicle to get home fast. Its 11:00 P.M.”
The girls dragged along their heavy luggage distancing themselves from the scene of chaos until the bus and the crowd was like a speck in the distance. It was pitch black all around and vehicles zipped past at lightning speed. Asha waved for someone to stop but with no success.
Minutes passed. They girls leaned against each other sitting on their suitcases and dozed off at the roadside. A big honk startles them and pushes them off their seats. Their backs to the road, and their legs on the suitcases, they get up to look at a jeep focusing its harsh lights on their faces. It was 1:00 A.M. “What?? We slept for two hours on the road?”cried Priya. “Shut your mouth Priya. You have no right to speak now!” Asha ran to the jeep and looked in. It was jam packed with all kinds of people. “Want a ride? It will cost Rs.500 each”, said the driver.
Asha’s jaw dropped. “Whaaa? Rs. 500 each? Are you kidding me?”
“Ok. Sorry for disturbing. Continue with your sleep. Bye”
“Hey wait. No sorry. Ok Fine. Let’s go Priya. (The bastard!)”
The girls find themselves stuffed among men and women who never knew what the advantages of a deodorant were ever in their life. Kids were staring at the girls with mucus leaking out of their nostrils and stinking of don’t know what. “Asha. There’s something pecking at me from behind!” “Priya, that’s only a hen darling” exclaimed Asha now becoming indifferent to the stupidities and idiosyncrasies of the night. Asha just wished that she could keep boxing Priya till she could after all this.
“Brother. Can’t this jeep go any faster? I just saw a bicycle overtake us” questioned Priya.
“Don’t mock my darling jeep. It has been serving me for 30years now. It is a gem of a machine” replied the driver angrily. No wonder!
After many bicycles, bullock carts, walking men overtaking the jeep, it finally arrived at Nagpur at 6:00 A.M. The girls jumped out for their lives. “Our luggage please” Their bags come flying through hitting them on their heads and falling to the floor. They catch an auto home and sleep out the morning out of fatigue.
At 2: 00 P.M., after a light meal, the girls sit together to chat.
“It was fun. Wasn’t it?” asked Priya.
“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Fun my ass” emoted Asha, ready to use both her hands on Priya.
P.S. This post is lightly inspired from true events. Thanks to my friend for giving her inputs on the same.
Disclaimer: This post contains content that might be offensive to certain class of people. Please use discretion while reading the same.